phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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