Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
