So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
