dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
