I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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