You just made me feel so damn special
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
