Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
dude. I can hear the air.
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