The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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