I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
