Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just found puke in my bra..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
