Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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