Christians are straight up FREAKS
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
