I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
