I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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