OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
