Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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