its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
