I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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