I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize