maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
