In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
