I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
