You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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