The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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