I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
