I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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