He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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