Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
