you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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