I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
