Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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