Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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