You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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