the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
