And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
