Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
