I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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