This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
