He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
