Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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