i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
