Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
