I faked an abortion last night.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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