i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
