Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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