he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
