i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
