I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Randomize
