Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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