I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
