Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
