AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
