she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
