I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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