It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
