If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
