So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
