Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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