Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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