fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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