i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
