I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
