I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
