I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
